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TO ALL OFFICERS

RE: COST CONTROL

Due to focus on overtime and expense control during this period, it has become necessary to put into effect immediately the following rules and procedures:

1. SICKNESS
No excuse. The Company will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof. It you are able to go to a doctor, you are able to attend work.

2. DEATH (YOUR OWN)
This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks' notice, since we feel that it is your duty to train someone else for your job, as a back-up.

3. DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and henceforth no time will be allowed for funerals. However, in case of hardships, the Company has a special scheme, in conjunction with the local cemetery, for lunch-time burials, thus ensuring that no time is lost from work.

4. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR OPERATION
No time off will be allowed for an operation. The Company believes that as long as you are an employee, you will need all of whatever parts you already have, and will not consider having any of it removed. We have engaged you for a particular job,with all your parts, and to have anything removed would mean that the Company is getting less than what it is contracted for.

5. VISITS TO THE TOILET
Far too much time on this particular practice. In future, all staff members will go in alphabetical order. All surnames beginning with "A" will go from 9:45 am to 10:00 am. Those beginning with "B" will go from 10:05 am to 10:20 am, and so on. Anyone unable to attend at the appropriate times will have to wait until the following day for their turn to come around.
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when the are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrasing.

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas party.
How To Answer The Tough Interview Questions

A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, Grunty offers some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants:

Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees..
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.

How do you handle change?
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.
What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

Are you a risk taker?
Real Answer: I have unprotected sex with strangers.
What you should say: I think it's important to take risks, but don't think you should be reckless. I like to take calculated risks.

How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.

Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry, I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.

Can I contact your references?
Real answer: Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say: Some of them are out of the country right now. Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
TO ALL EMPLOYEES

TOILET POLICY

In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines.

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.

Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits. These credits may be accumulated!

Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices.

Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.

If an employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.

In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.

If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open.

If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will be posted on the notice board. Anyone whose picture appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.

If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your personnel officer.
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."

The interviewer was flabergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no damn ears!"
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees

If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Applicants:

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blaime others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him: "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.

Then the crow thought: "Poor rabbit, I forgot to tell him that if you want to do nothing, you must sit very high".

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