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To those who wonder what Bill Gates and Deve Gowda will be talking when they meet... DG: Nameste GatesJi BG: Very Much Pleased to meet you. Do you like windows? DG: Windows? Oh yes, I like to have them open in my office to get fresh air BG: No, I mean the Windows operating system DG: Operating System. Yes some system are corrupt BG: Oh! Does it corrupt your hard disk? DG: Hard desk. No I prefer to use light one. BG: What are your IT plans? DG: I have asked my auditor to take care of Income Tax. I have other issues like Tiwari to tackle BG: Anyway, we find Indian IT professionals as good resource in western world DG: Oh! These Income Tax guys travel all over the world BG: I mean the software guys DG: Soft Where Guys? I get the point. They are tough BG: (a bit confused): Thanks for your time. I need to surf the net DG: If you like surfing, you can do in mumbai beach. I see that you have a good following. Would you like to have alliance with "Janata Dal" and we can win elections BG: I'm not into politics. DG: You can support from outside... BG: (Trying to change topic) Do you like Java? DG: Never been to that country. Although I am planning to take my grandchildren with me next time. (Somebody takes away fainted BillG from DG) This was in 1988 during Rajiv Gandhi and Zia Ul Haq days. Once when RG visits Pakistan, he is shown the state-of-the art telephone system of Pakistan. RG even made a call to hell and spoke to his mother Indira Gandhi for about 10 minutes. The bill came to just 1 pakistani rupee. RG was highly impressed by Pakistan's telephone system and after coming back to India ordered the ministry of communications to come up with equally good system in record time so that he too can show it to ZH when he makes a return visit to India after a couple of months. Indeed when ZH came to India, RG showed him the telephone system. ZH spoke to Bhutto in hell for about 10 minutes. The bill came to 300 indian rupees. ZH made a sarcastic remark about the cost of the call to hell being so expensive. RG was furious and wanted to know why the call to hell was so expensive. The engineers immediately came up with the reason. A call to hell from India is a long distance call, but from Pakistan its only a local call. A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in hot CHENNAI (MADRAS). He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving and he was wondering if a CM convoy is going by! He notices a constable walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, Mama, what's the hold-up?" "Dr J. Jayalithia just found out the verdict against illegal mobilization of Property, and she's all depressed. She's lying down in the middle of the highway and she's threatening to douse herself and SasiKala in Petrol and light themself on fire. They plead innocent and says that they dont have a Rupee. I'm walking around taking up a collection for her" The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far." The Constable replies, "So far, 1000 liters." When Bal Tackarey completed 25 years of his rule over Sena (Bombay), he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed Manohar Joshi, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and Bal Tackarey was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. He called Raj and ordered him to investigate the matter. Raj checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Balasaheb Tackarey. He said: "Balasaheb, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our mumbaities are spitting on the wrong side." Saddam Hussein is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Hussein says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty Iraqi children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Hussein. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Hussein, "Is there no one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Yassar Arafat, Colonel Gaddafi, and Saddam Hussein were blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Hussein beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!" An assistant on the freshman Senator's staff walked into his office one morning with a thick legal pad. After discussing a number of legislative issues, the woman asked, "What do you want to do about the abortion bill?" "Well," replied the Senator, "I suppose we ought to pay it." "Where are Adam and Eve from?" "From the Soviet Union, of cause! Only in the Soviet Union the two could be happy and think they are in paradise being butt-naked, living in a tepee and having just one apple for two of them!" Brezhnev gives a speech in China for two hours, talking complete nonsense and boring everyone to death. He speaks in Russian and then a translator should translate the whole speech into Chinese. The translator however, says only 5 words. Brezhnev amazed at this, asks his advisor "Is Chinese such an excellently compact language that one can express two hour speech in 5 words? What did he say, exactly?" "He said 'Bullshit... Bullshit... End of bullshit'." A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly, he prayed and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal service received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00. A US President was making an official visit to London many years ago when the State Coach was still used to escort dignitaries to the Palace. The Queen and the President were travelling in the coach when one of the horses made a rather rude noise. "I'm awfully sorry about that," said the Queen. "Ah, the honesty of the British. If you hadn't said anything I'd have thought it was the horse." Two communists were observed working along side the road. The first one dug a large hole. They both waited a few moments, and then the second worker filled in the hole. They moved about 20 feet down the road and repeated the procedure. The observer, who could not figure out what they were doing inquired "Comrades why are you digging a hole and then filling it in?". The first worker replied "Normally there are three of us, I dig the hole, Boris puts in the tree, and then he fills in the hole. Boris is sick today, but that is no reason for us to stop working." Two Pakistanis are sitting in the window and centre seats on a plane. The Pakistanis ask the Indian sitting in the aisle seat to get them a glass of orange juice also so they won't have to crawl over him. While he is getting them the drinks, they spit in his shoes. When they are about to land the Indian guy puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened. He complains to the Pakistanis, "When will it all end? - The hatred, the violence, the killing, the bloodshed, the spitting in shoes, the peeing in orange juice." Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that place there?" And God said, "ahhh, that's India - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great brains and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters." Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance." God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them." An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice. NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he will not return to Earth. The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was an Indian politician. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the American engineer to Mars."
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
The phone rings at KGB headquarters. They answer:
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. He answers, "Hello."
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
**** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.
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